FATHERS AS COACH - A USEFUL PARADIGM FOR PARENTING TEENS
This article “Fathers As Coach – A Useful Paradigm for Parenting Teens” by Mr Edwin Choy (Co-founder) is contributed by Centre for Fathering Ltd. We would like to thank Centre for Fathering Ltd for contributing this article.
Many fathers find themselves suddenly helpless in parenting their teens. What had worked in their parenting approach is no longer helpful when they become teenagers.
When children are much younger, they welcome and need to be told what to do. As they grow into their teenage years, they need space and flexibility for self-discovery in order to develop an identity and values of their own. Any attempt to influence our teens by means of power often result in parents feeling frustrated and helpless. Power and fear games often produce the opposite outcomes in the teenage years.
One useful paradigm for parenting during the teenage years is that of a “coach.” Parents who are used to providing specific instructions to young children may find it more helpful to be coaches to their teenagers. As a coach, you have the insight and experience. But you do not know your teenager as well as he/she does. You can only coach your teens to go where they are willing to go. A skilful coach works with the personalities of their teenagers and not against it.
This is where calm fathers can play an important role in helping their teenagers develop a healthy self-identity. Fathers can be very comfortable in playing the role of a coach to their teens – especially when it’s coaching a teenager towards his/her own healthy aspirations.
For a start, here are some basic principles for coaching our teenagers:
a) The first is “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it! Even though this is common sense, many fathers make the mistake of trying to change things for their teens even when there is no problem. If your teens are managing their responsibilities well, don’t insist on change just because they are not doing it the way you want. Allow your teenagers to find their own balance. Likewise when your teens ask for changes when nothing is wrong, remind them gently that the desired change might not be necessary.
b) The second principle is to “identify what works and do more of it.” As coach, one of the most important tasks is to find out what works for your teens and commend them for doing it well. Not only should they be affirmed, they also need to be encouraged to do more of what works. Motivating them is integral to the great coaching process!
c) The third principle is to “identify what doesn’t work and do something different.” As creatures of habit, we often try to solve problems in a particular way regardless of whether it is appropriate or not. Dr Paul Faulkner, a marriage and family therapist wrote in his book, “If you keep on doing what you always did, you will keep on getting what you always got.” As coach, it is helpful to point to your teens when their approach does not work and encourage them to explore different alternatives to the problem. The solution very often is found beyond the problem!
There are skills involved which is beyond this article but I hope this will give you some insight to want to begin a journey that will help your teens be more confident and resilient.
Learn more about ‘Fathers As Coach – A Useful Paradigm For Parenting Teens’ with Mr Edwin Choy at the Singapore Parenting Congress on 17 July ( Visit mediacorpradio.sg/spc2010 for more details).
